When is sex too little in a relationship? A young woman wonders what she can do to awaken her partner’s appetite for sex, who over time seems to no longer want her like he used to.
“We have been together for almost 5 years. Both around 35 and now we don’t have sex except a few times a month.
We both work a lot, so I understand that this is also a part of everyday life that causes stress, but the missing intimacy bothers me more.
He continues to be affectionate with me, hugs and kisses me during the day or at night on the couch, but he doesn’t do anything more,” the woman writes.
She goes on to say that even when she makes a move her partner either rejects her or gets involved, but reluctantly.
“He says he’s stressed at work, but I feel like he’s pulling away from me and no longer wants me like he used to.
I know the ‘flame’ fades over time in relationships, but my friends are having sex like they used to.
I’m jealous. I want to feel desirable again because I want him. I want to marry him and have kids.
How is that going to happen if our sex life is already frustrating? How can I approach him without appearing to please him?”
The answer from the expert
Sophia Benoit, sex editor at Bustle, responds to the young woman by stressing that you have to be patient, but be careful that patience doesn’t turn into acceptance and you are, by now, living unhappily.
“Definitely, you have to talk to your partner with honesty and respect.
Explain to him, without feeling like you are apologizing – you live together, he is your closest person – that you are not satisfied with your love life and you feel that he ignores you or that he no longer wants you.
Sure, you have to be patient, but be careful that this patience doesn’t turn into acceptance and you end up living unhappily in the relationship – in which you generally have a good time,” she writes, and goes on to suggest seeing a relationship counsellor.
“Sex brings out a lot of feelings, insecurities and needs that are often difficult to communicate to our partners.
Our culture discourages people from talking about sex in the first 18 years of our lives, so most of us are not used to having these kinds of conversations. It can be helpful to have the input of an expert.”
She goes on to note that her partner’s psychology may be depressed, which is why he doesn’t have much of an appetite for sex. “It’s very common for depression to significantly reduce a person’s sex drive.
While it’s perfectly normal for someone’s libido to decrease or for two people to disagree about how often they would like to have sex, if your partner used to want sex and now has a hard time it might be a sign of depression.
Of course, there’s a chance you’re just a couple where your libido doesn’t match at the moment.
If – after you two have thoroughly discussed your sexual needs and desires – that’s where it comes down to, focus on enjoying the sex you’re having Explore sex-related things you both enjoy, like showering together or sexting. You should both try.”
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Finally, the sex editor brings up the possibility that all of this is due to issues her partner has with their relationship in general. “The decrease in sex may be related to a different issue your partner is having with your relationship.
If this is happening, firstly, he should mention it to you as you have been together for many years.
Secondly, you should be aware of the possibility that this may be linked to how he feels about your life together.
It is important that you listen to him and that you both make a genuine effort to deal with it – if you want to stay together. If you feel that he’s not interested in making things better for both of you, that’s a bad sign.
Remember, in any case, you are not alone.
This is a common and treatable problem.
But it is also thorny and painful. It will probably “wake up” insecurities for both of you.
But on the other hand, you will get to know and love each other better. And possibly have more sex!”.
