May is National Masturbation Month! Don’t worry if you forgot to get someone a card…
But before you celebrate in the privacy of your own home, have you ever considered perhaps indulging in planet Earth’s favourite pass time… At work?
This was echoed by psychologist and life coach Dr Cliff Arnall:
Certainly taking a masturbation break for boredom or an escape would increase work focus.
He suggested that a masturbation policy might result in “more focus, less aggression, higher productivity and more smiling”.
Yes, (ladies and) gentlemen, masturbation breaks at work are now officially endorsed by science.
However, Dr Arnall does point out the potential, ahem, shortcomings in this plan, suggesting that failure to achieve orgasm quickly could result in increased frustration and excessive break lengths.
He also suggests that one should not fantasise about colleagues as this might result in “cognitive impairment” – or just inappropriate workplace conduct?
The root of this sudden interest in office stimulation appears to be a Time Out New York survey, which reported at the end of 2015 that 39 per cent of male readers admitted to masturbating in the office.
(However, it provided no actual quantitative data to back this up, citing mostly anecdotal evidence.)
But in 2012, that figure appeared in Glamour as 31 per cent, with a polling sample of 1,000 men.
Apparently, the benefits of such shenanigans include relieving boredom, stress and horniness, and possibly even cure a terrible hangover.
One can’t help but recall Matthew McCaughnahey’s wired stockbroker in The Wolf of Wall Street, urging wide-eyed novice Leonardo DiCaprio to adopt a more effective tension-relief technique.
And no, you’re not imagining it – this advice is clearly aimed more at male employees than female.
Presumably, women are advised to head to the kitchen for a herbal tea or something.
But elsewhere, all office pervs may rejoice.
Back in ten…