When it comes to sex and hooking up, everyone can discover countless videos, podcasts, books and manuals out there with advice. But what would we really wish that expert scientists and therapists knew about sex? Those who spend their days helping individuals and couples navigate the complexities of their sex lives?
1. Frequency isn’t everything
One of the most common concerns people bring to sex therapy is how often they do or don’t have sex. Whether because they are comparing themselves to others or because they are worried that they are not doing enough, many people get caught up in the numbers game. Therapists agree, however, that frequency is not the best measure of a healthy sex life. “The quality of your sexual experiences is far more important than the quantity,” says Dr. Emily Morse, a renowned sex therapist and host of the Sex with Emily podcast. So instead of focusing on how often we have sex, Dr. Morse advises paying attention to how satisfying those encounters are and whether they meet our needs and those of our partner.
2. Desire fluctuates and this is normal
Desire is not a constant. It is normal for our sexual desire to wax and wane due to a variety of factors such as stress, health, relationship dynamics, and changes in our lives such as having children or aging. Experts explain that mismatched libido between partners is common and can often be addressed with open communication and mutual understanding. So instead of viewing fluctuations in desire as a problem, we can see them as an opportunity to explore new ways of connecting. This can include experimenting with different forms of intimacy or simply finding other ways to be close when one partner is not in the mood for sex.
3. Communication is key, but it’s not just about talking
We’ve all heard that communication is vital in relationships, but when it comes to sex, it’s not just about talking-it’s also about how you talk. Scientists explain that many couples struggle to talk about sex because they don’t have the tools or language to do so effectively. They stress that although talking about sex can be awkward, it is essential for a healthy sexual relationship. They thus recommend setting aside time to discuss our sexual relationship in a non-judgmental way, focusing on what we both enjoy and what we would like to try, rather than what we lack.
4. Mindfulness can improve your sex life
In a world full of distractions, many people find it difficult to be fully present during sex. Sex therapists often encourage mindfulness as a way to improve sexual intimacy. Dr. Lori Brotto, a leading researcher in the field of sexual health, suggests that mindfulness – being fully engaged and aware of the present moment – can significantly improve our sexual experiences. “Mindfulness helps you tune into your body and your partner’s body, making sex more pleasurable and connective,” she says. Simple practices, such as focusing on your breath or the sensations you experience, can make a big difference in the quality of your sexual encounters.
5. It’s okay to ask for help
Despite the increasing “openness” around sex, many people are still embarrassed or consider it taboo to ask for help with their sexual issues. However, sex therapists want you to know that it’s okay – and often necessary – to ask for help. Whether you are experiencing a specific sexual dysfunction, struggling with desire, or facing challenges in your relationship, seeking professional guidance can be incredibly beneficial. Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship therapist, stresses that there’s no shame in seeking help. “Sexual health is a vital part of overall well-being,” she says. “If something isn’t working for you, don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional. The sooner you address the issue, the better the outcome.”
6. There’s no such thing as “normal” when it comes to sex
One of the most reassuring things that sex therapists want you to know is that there is no universal standard for what is “normal” in sex. “Normal” is highly subjective and varies significantly from person to person and couple to couple. Dr. Kristen Mark, a sexual health researcher, points out that societal pressures and media portrayals can create unrealistic expectations, leading people to feel inadequate or abnormal. “The most important thing is that you and your partner are satisfied and happy with your sexual relationship,” she explains. “Don’t compare your sex life to what you think others are doing. Focus on what works for you.”
7. Intimacy goes beyond sex
While sex is an important aspect of intimacy, it’s not the only way to connect with your partner. Many sex therapists stress the importance of cultivating emotional and physical intimacy in other ways, such as through affection, shared experiences, and open communication. “Building intimacy outside the bedroom can significantly enhance your sexual relationship,” says Dr. Megan Fleming, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. “When you feel emotionally connected, sex often becomes more meaningful and enjoyable.”
