I saw it with my own eyes, and heard it with my own ears. Aristotelis Onassis (ie actor Robert Lindsay) says to Maria Callas (Paz Vega): “My dear, don’t forget you are sitting over one of the biggest penises in the world”!

This  magnificent cue of Olivier Dahan, the French director of  “Grace De Monaco”, inaugurated the 67th Festival De Cannes. What transpired inside and outside the hall breaks every previous record.

The story takes place in 1962 and is composed of the following parts:

-The lengthy penis of Aristotle Onassis (permanent ‘inmate’ of Prince Rainier’s palace)
-The tax haven of this small principality and French protectorate (hence why Aristotle used to hang out there)
-The war of Algeria
-Charles de Gaulle, President of France wishing to devour the principality
-Rainier in a nervous breakdown, chain-smoking
-The conspiracy concocted within the palace by a blue-blooded traitor
-Alfred Hitchcock who was trying to convince Grace Kelly to return to Hollywod an dstar in his movie “Marnie”
-And Nicole Kidman, who, as Grace de Monaco, cries, weeps, sighs and wonders: “Should I go back to Hollywood or not? Should I stay with Ray?”.

I couldn’t care less. I wish I could get out of this hall.

Monaco’s princes are furious
The film scandal caused a real scandal. The members of the princely family of Monaco are angry. They swear and curse.

It is said that even by hearing the name of Nicole Kidman, their blood pressure rises and they characterize her as a “slut”.

It is also said that they are considering pressing charges against the director, producer, scriptwriter…

It is said that everything in the movie are fictitious. That they aim to take advantage of Rainier and Grace Kelly’s memory and make money. A couple so in love until the end. If we want, we can believe it.

“I was a mess when I got the Oscar”

The third act of the melodrama is played during Nicole’s interview. She’s 47 years of age. But due to the arts of chemistry and plastic surgery she looks 30 plus. Made of alabaster. Always serious. And always impressive (1.8meters tall without heels). Clad in white. Like an angel and a virgin. The hordes of journalists roar. Asians photographing incessantly. And the crowds are kept waiting.

-If you married a prince too?
“I didn’t marry a real prince. I married another kind of prince (she means Tom Cruise who left her in 2001 and she has yet to recover since).

-So you’ve lived your own fairy tale?
“Unfortunately, the relationship ended very badly. I remember when I won the Oscar for “The Hours” (2003), I was a mess. I wish I could combine business success with my private life.

-And what about Monaco’s royal family?

“I did not mean to offend anyone. I am very sorry for the current development. We loved the couple. I understand the children. And as you saw in the movie, there was real love between Grace and Rainier”.

The final cinematic conclusion is different. Not Grace, but Disgrace de Monaco!