Here we go. “Fifty Shades of Grey,” the most anticipated film of the year, unfortunately, is litte more than “50 shades of crap,” all endured over two excruciating hours!

26-year-old Dakota Johnson, the female protagonist of the film based on the best-selling erotic novel, reportedly drew the line at … fellatio scenes, and the producers went along with it. The conservative Texan gal was also adamant about not shooting full frontal nudity, and again her wishes were respected and the book’s edginess lost.

On his part, 33-year-old Jamie Dornan said ‘no’ to simulated cunnilingus and showing his penis on camera, like any clean-cut Irish lad would do — and everyone agreed.

According to the buzz in Berlin, the US production company (UIP) was more than ok with the prudish stars’ demands. Why? To avoid censorship issues, of course, and to make sure that their “product” would be suitable to be consumed by a mass audience.

And let me be clear: by “product” I mean a greasy burger, consumed by sex-deprived middle aged women, who search for a guilty pleasure after a lifetime of ‘making love’ with the lights off!

The result? No vaginas, no penises, no blowjobs, no cunnilingus. As for the rest of the movie? The first 50 minutes are noteworthy for a complete lack of erotic scenes.

Then, Jamie grabs Dakota and “gives it to her” from the rear. For one second. No sight of genitals, of course.

Then, after several scenes of incessant blabber, the audience is rewarded with a second penetration. Which they again have to imagine, as nothing is clearly visible!

Then a couple of supposedly sadistic incidents take place: James spanks Dakota’s butt about six times. The End!

Although I have not read R. L. James’ novel, which inspired the film, from what I’ve heard it is full of sizzling scenes and kinky sex, the ideal “masturbation material” for women. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

However, when it comes to cinema, innuendos lose their power. The fantasy has to become reality. This is the challenging part and this is what the film failed to do.